quiet me in your love

Quiet Me In Your Love…

Zephaniah 3:17

“The Lord your God is in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

My mind races as I sit and try to write the blog that should have been written months ago. As this is most likely my final update for awhile, I have agonized over what to say and how to say it. How do you summarize what God has done through all of you supporting me in Malawi and now moving back to the States? I will attempt to at best share with you what it has been like to have so much life crammed into such a short time. My thanks could never possibly explain how grateful I am for the constant prayers and encouragement of so many of you through the past few years…

My last post ended while I was still in Malawi living my dream of using dance to glorify the Lord in Africa. We were preparing for our first full length story ballet that turned our small ballet program into a school of 120 students. I have never felt prouder than when I watched the curtain open on my girls who had worked so hard on this production. To see them worship through dance and powerfully portray a story of gospel redemption through genocide was more than I could have ever hoped for when I began teaching them. I am excited to stay in touch with them and see how God works through them in the future. God blew my mind by using them in such a way. It was a privilege to put on this performance in a place that people of all religions and cultures could come together to experience art and then ultimately to be exposed to the gospel. I’ve never been so thankful as I was for the friends and students that made “100 Days” possible. I didn't know how much I would fall in love with my kids over there and I will miss them terribly. They changed my whole world and gave me a new perspective. They showed me how to live for others and how rewarding it is to give your life to God. It was through this, that I realized my life in ballet was coming to completion and a new chapter of nursing would begin. Dance opened so many opportunities to glorify His name and I am excited to see how that can continue in other ways. The past two years were such a growing and learning experience. ABC Christian Academy, Flood Church, and many other ministries were a huge part of my life and I would love for you to see how they impacted me and what we were able to do with their support. I have attached the video link to the ballet production below! (yay!) J

http://www.abcchristianacademy.net/100-days-ballet/

Leaving Malawi was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was hard to go in the first place and it was hard to leave in the end. I think the only explanation for this is that when you give God your heart and He leads you to different places, a piece of you always stays there. You will never forget what you have learned and where you have been. I hope to return to Malawi someday and do another kind of ministry, but you never know for sure where God’s hand will take you. I wouldn’t trade my time overseas for anything. It gave me so much and I can only hope that I was able to give something back while I was there. I know that travelling and ministry change you in ways that words seem to fail me. You will never be the same. Not only has your world grown, but your understanding of God has grown too. The miracles, provisions, and answers from God that you encounter will never let you forget what a faithful God we serve. I pray that even when we do forget, we will once again raise our “ebenezers” and praise the God who gives and takes away. I cannot possibly describe the heartbreak that I felt leaving the best friends, church, and job that I have ever had. The only way that it was bearable was knowing that God was calling me elsewhere for now.

After flying away from my “home” in Lilongwe, I was able to stop in Uganda to see my friends and the ministry that first made me fall in love with the continent of Africa. Empower A Child is where my little sponsor child Dave lives and I was able to visit him for the second time as well as check in on all the other kids that that changed my life three years ago. I was able to see the kids that my friends sponsor as well and it was amazing to be able to connect with believers in yet another country. The stories of death, witch craft, poverty, and orphans are similar to those of Malawi which is actually the poorest country in the world. However, I think that there is much spiritual attack on the county of Uganda through these things as well. I can’t help but wonder if it is in response to how many ministries that God is working through over there. One way that you can see how real the spiritual battle is may be through a story. Kasujah, a boy that my friend sponsors, has grown up in the village of Zirobwe. He lives in poverty, but because of sponsorship has been able to attend school and church. His grandfather is a witch doctor and in many countries, this is someone that the people fear. Despite this and other circumstances, Kasujah has decided that he wants to be a pastor when he grows up and continues school in hopes to learn more about Jesus and the Bible. All in all, being able to catch up with friends years later who have similar callings to Africa and see the kids that I love so dearly was a huge blessing. If you would like to find out how to sponsor a child through this organization, I have attached the link below.

http://www.empowerachild.org/sponsor-a-child/

Once again, I found myself on a plane flying away from a place and people that I had grown to love. As someone who doesn’t think of themself as emotional, this had been an interesting few weeks. I can’t pretend that it wasn’t difficult to leave a place that I felt so strongly called to, but I was without a doubt that God was calling me back home. One of my friends told me, “The safest place you can be is where God has you.” So, I packed my life and everything I owned into two bags and a carry on and flew via Qatar back to the United States. This was unknown to my family and with the help of some friends, I successfully surprised them by getting home early. It was the most joyful reunion and seeing their faces made me confident that I was back for a reason. The summer would turn out to be busier than I had thought and two days later, I moved to SpringHill to work with teenagers at a Christian camp all summer. I loved the experience and really believe that it was the best transition into America that I could have had. That being said, culture shock in reverse is more difficult than without the reverse and repatriating is hard when you aren’t the same person that you used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I love America and there were many things (pumpkin spice lattes) ;) that I missed, but I had seen pros and cons to many different cultures. These differences made me more aware of the changes around me as well as those within me. I could tell from the start that this adjustment would take time and a whole lot of grace.

It seemed that the business would continue when I flew off to California to visit friends from Malawi and see two of my favorite people in the world tie the knot. It was wonderful to see them and made me realize even more how much I would miss. I had to remind myself over and over that God would provide and come through even in new situations and places. When I got back to Indiana, I quickly threw myself into as many jobs as possible which I am beginning to see as a habit. I started some healthcare certification classes, working full time, and got signed up to start nursing school in January. What I thought would be a peaceful semester of adjusting has become full of THINGS. Things that keep my focus too often off of the Lord. It seems there isn’t always time to breathe and that I have still yet to process what the last few months have held. Usually, I write about things that I have already learned. I write what God has taught me and how I am doing better at those things now… Usually, I allow vulnerability to things in the past alone. I don’t think that is how it should be though. How can we really be honest if we never talk about the here and now? The truth is that life is hard sometimes and that’s coming from someone who has had it pretty easy so far. Its hard to jump back into friend groups after years away. Its hard to become a part of your family when you all have changed. Its hard to be able to spend enough time with each of your family members and reconnect with them. Its hard to allow time for Jesus and yourself when you want to stay busy. Its hard to say no to things and prioritize life. Its hard to know what in the world God is doing and why in the world He won’t just tell you the plan. Its hard to live in the crazy, fast paced culture of America. Its hard to be in a new place where you don’t have community. BUT, God Didn’t promise that it Wouldn’t be hard. He Did promise peace though. That’s why I cry out Zephaniah 3:17 and ask Him to quiet me In His love In the storm. I ask that He will still my restlessness in this new season and create in me peace that isn't based on surroundings.

I don’t yet know what the future holds. I feel called to the medical field, ministry, and Africa. I don’t know how it will all play out. I do know that God will clear it up in His time. I also know that my mission field for now is Bloomington, Indiana. My “mission field” is spending time with my family and doing ministry with them. It’s a good reminder that we aren’t all always missionaries overseas, but we are all always missionaries where we are. In our jobs, in our backyards, in our churches, in our lives, we must be bold enough to share the gospel to a world that is falling from Him. I want to fight the complacency that seems so prevalent today. I want to be aware of the spiritual world at all times and in tune with the Spirit. We must be willing to sacrifice our comfort zones to share what desperately needs to be told. I found out the other day that my home state has the highest rate of teens considering suicide. This hopelessness is due to not knowing Christ. This is our job to change. Not that we can change hearts, but we can be the mouth of Christ if we submit to Him using us for His kingdom. And that brings it all back to where it belongs. Us on our knees asking Him to make us more like Christ. Asking Him to mold us, change us, use us, break us, grow us, and quiet us. Quiet us in his love enough for us to hear his voice amidst the crazy storm of life.

Good bye for now,

em

 Hillsong United

Touch The Sky

"My heart beating, my soul breathing,

I found my life when I laid it down.

Upward falling, spirit soaring,

I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground."

enough

When I was 5, I decided to be a vegetarian. Everyone told me I going through a phase and it wouldn't last. I didn't eat a piece of meat again until I was 18. When I was 7, I decided I wanted to dance with a ballet company and spent the next 10 years making that happen no matter what people told me. I guess I don't like it when people say you have to do things a certain way. My life hasn't been conventional. I haven't yet gone to college. I've lived overseas and traveled around the world. I like doing weird things that are different. Maybe that's why I have blue hair and live in Malawi. I don't like fitting molds. I don't like rules and expectations. I don't think it's fair for people to tell others what they need to do or how to do it. Maybe that's why I've spent my life as an artist. Obviously we can learn from each other, but the constant pressure to fit in with a certain crowd is impossible to keep up with. One of the best things that happened when I actually decided to follow Christ was the freedom from those expectations that people set. I wanted to break free from the impossible standards that I saw all around me. I soon realized however that I was wrong. Not that I wasn't free, but that Christians have created this world of expectations just like every other religion or group of people.
I think it's a problem when we care more about the rules than the people the rules were made for.

 People say that you can only hang out with certain people and do certain things. Today's Christianity says you have to be cool and relatable. You have to be a TOMS wearing, coffee drinking, short term mission trip going, Jesus tattoo covered Christian. You have to do lots of Bible studies and have theological talks about your two week experience overseas and how Jesus wants a relationship not a religion. I love TOMS, but why is that needed to love Jesus? You have to be in the world enough to be a witness, but out of the world enough to not be judged by fellow Christians. You have to do cool service projects and be involved with a cool church and document it all on social media. You have to read a new version of the Bible and know the "in" worship music. It's a tough life when we fill it with all these expectations and rules. Now don't get me wrong. Rules are there for a reason, and they are usually to protect us. When we truly love God then we should want to follow him and rules he gives. I just don't see where Jesus went around with a list of how everyone had to be. I think we focus so much on rules and guidelines that we forget about the cross. I think we are so consumed with our image and reputation that we forget about Jesus. We get so fixated on the cool Jesus stuff that we forget about the Jesus part. Even people who don't think God is important fill up on their own version of rules and expectations to fit into their group. We all want to be full of something.
Life gets so full that it's empty.

 What happens when life gets real and instead of being full of Jesus, we are full of this other stuff? Are we satisfied with Jesus alone, or do we need our books, music, friends, and Christian image to keep us going? Is Jesus actually enough for us? Is he alone enough to keep us fulfilled completely and overflowing with joy despite circumstances? What if we didn't have any of these other Christian resources? Many places in the world don't have the ability to flaunt Hebrew verses on their wrists or post selfies doing mission work. What if we couldn't? I say this as someone who has Jesus tats and posts pictures of my life in Africa all the time. I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just wondering if I would be as radical if I couldn't do these things. Would we still have our lives surrendered to Christ? Would we live as radically if we had to share about him in secret? This Christian mold we have made doesn't save and it doesn't satisfy. There's nothing wrong with it unless the mold takes the place of Jesus.
I want to live like Jesus and Jesus didn't fit the mold.

Jesus didn't hang out with the "in" Christian crowd of his time. In fact he didn't really fit the expectations or mold of any crowd or group. He led a group of misfits. They were weird. They were average. They were ordinary- just like most of us. He didn't spend his life trying to impress anyone. He did spend his life on the mission field, but he wasn't in a bubble. He ate and hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes. He was so full of God that he was set apart, but he didn't set himself apart from the rest of the world. He lived in it and became friends with sinners like me so that he could share with them how awesome God is and they might listen because he actually loved them. I'm so thankful for that. I want to love on everyone despite different views. I want Jesus alone to unite us and not all the other things we use to fill up our lives with. It shouldn't matter what group or crowd people are with because we are all looking for the same thing.
We are all looking for fulfillment in something whether or not we know Jesus. 

 We were all created by and for God. Therefore, we all yearn for him. Some find him, but some don't. We still seek to fill that need to be satisfied. Some people find satisfaction in drugs or alcohol or sex. Some find fulfillment in their job or a relationship or traveling or shopping. We all fill up on something and it may not even be bad. I like to fill my life with traveling and experiences. Those can't be the only thing though. There are times when I can't do those things and I'll either be empty or I'll push into Jesus. The problem is those are all temporary fulfillments. The real, true, purpose giving contentment only comes from Christ. My question is if we truly found that in Jesus alone would we be different? I think we would be so free. We wouldn't be dependent on anyone for approval and the expectations would disappear. Our God won't be disappointed in our missteps because he created us and understands our shortcomings. His expectation of us is that if we love him, we will surrender to him, pursue him, and follow him. His expectation of us is not to be perfect, but to strive after him with our heart, soul, and mind. He died and rose so that we can depend on his perfection for grace and not our own.
Grace is free not cheap. 

 As I prepare to leave my home in Malawi and head home, life is getting real. Real hard that is. I fell into some emotions and I'm not quite sure how to handle it all. However, Jesus has filled me with joy and peace that are unexplainable. None of the other things I fill my life with can do what he can. I'm so thankful that I can live so freely and joyfully even through difficult things like leaving my home here. It sucks. It's hard to leave what you love. BUT. God is good. God is so freaking awesome. When I think about all the things he has saved me from, I can't help but have complete confidence that he is in control. Even when I'm overwhelmed with stress, sadness, excitement, fear and more, he is constant. I want to focus on him. I want to focus on the simplicity of the gospel and share that with others. I don't want to be concerned with all the other stuff that gets in the way and consumes my mind. I just want to follow Jesus and see him rescue others. How can I be real enough and normal enough to reach the unreached. What do I need to do to be more like Jesus instead of the image we have created for ourselves.
How can I share with others just how complete Jesus makes you? What can I do to stay consistently satisfied in abiding in HIM?

Close and Open

        

  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV

          Today marks the two month mark until our final performance here in Malawi. That is a very exciting and also terrifying thought. I cannot wait to see the result of all the build up from the past two years. Our girls have worked so hard for this moment and I am confident that the Lord will use the beautiful story of Alice and Emmanuel for His glory. You can read all about it HERE. This two month mark also stands for when I will be leaving my home. That is an incredibly bittersweet statement. The thought of leaving everything I have held close is heartbreaking. I know I will miss my students and friends more than I wish to think about. I also know that getting to be closer to my family will be wonderful. I remember writing a blog when I moved here entitled "Bittersweet Beginnings." I cannot help but think even with two years of growing and changing that I now feel remarkably similar. Its funny how despite different circumstances and times, God is always bringing us through transitions. If I have learned anything at all, it is that God is always faithful and the peace I feel even with the looming unknown can only be accredited to Him.

          This week is our Easter break and I realized that I am planning my final trip in Malawi. We are heading to a part of the lake called Cape Maclear and I am pretty excited to ride camels and climb a mountain called Zomba. I will miss traveling around Africa and the world. I will miss the laid back lifestyle and friendly people. I will miss my students and pouring into their lives. This program has been my life and its strange to give God the reins and trust that He will bring others to carry it on. I will miss the African sky. There is nothing to compare to our sunsets. I will miss my church family and friends. The thought of starting over and trying to find community scares me. I think God brought a special bond between the friends that moved to Malawi with me. I will miss my job and working with Carrie. The opportunities we have had never cease to amaze and humble me. There are so many things that will be heartbreaking to leave. I cannot even begin to sum it up. As we approach Easter, I can only be reminded of how much the Lord gave up for me and how he sympathizes with every hardship. What a comfort to know that we have him on our side.

          Living overseas, though wonderful, also has its down sides and there are many things that I look forward to in the states. Let me tell you things like hot showers, internet, and electricity should never be taken for granted. Last week, I drove in a car that had air conditioning and it was actually the highlight of my day. I sometimes dream about fast food from Chipotle and large cokes from McDonald's with ICE CUBES! Don't even get me started on Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice Lattes, here I come. Getting creamer for coffee shipped over here is such a luxury. I will not miss the boxed milk that we use in Malawi. Simple things like shopping at Target is so very missed. For someone who loves winter, God must find it amusing that I have now lived in Mississippi and Africa! The idea of cold weather, scarves, and hot cocoa makes me so happy. Living somewhere that I am not constantly sweating sounds kind of awesome. In the states, I don't have to worry about using a mosquito net to keep out cockroaches from my bed or find giant nests in my closet. A few days ago, I found a snake on my way home and although I won't lie, I felt kind of cool killing it with my pocket knife, I don't need to experience that again. I will be happy in a place without giant creatures creeping around. In all seriousness though, I will enjoy hanging out with my family and friends. Being away has drawbacks and I cannot wait to be more a part of the lives of my brothers, sisters, parents, and friends. I miss the Indiana trees and seasons. I miss going to games, shows, and movies. Sometimes the little things are what I miss the most. I am looking forward to being home for the holidays as well as the boring days. I am excited to see what new opportunities lie on the horizon.

          Adjusting is hard. I'm not just talking about switching which side of the road I drive on or having different weather. I know I have changed in many ways and am not the same person that moved here two years ago. Moving back and having reverse culture shock will be difficult. I do not look forward to questions like "how was your trip" and "how is Africa". Though well intended, they are impossible to answer. This is my home now and my whole life has been here. Though I wish I could, I cannot put it into a couple of sentences. This wasn't a study abroad program where I have a few highlights to share. This wasn't a missions trip where I had a crazy experience. This wasn't a vacation to some exotic place. This was two years. This was one tenth of my life on earth thus far. This was exciting, boring, happy, sad, fun, scary, and a million more emotions combined. Africa is a huge place and my life experiences have been very different than people on the other side of the continent. I absolutely love sharing what God has done here with others! I find talking about ministry, travel, Africa, and almost any subject pertaining to this fascinating to discuss with just about anyone! It is however quite difficult to embark on a new adventure in a new place knowing that its impossible to have everyone understand the struggle of repatriating into your old home. I don't know how to put into words that I am so beyond thankful to be close to family and that if I have a hard time it isn't because of them, but because of the drastic change. I want to be able to share stories with others and hear their stories relating. New adventures are always fun, but this is me being perfectly honest. I look forward to catching up with people and hearing about what the Lord has done in their lives the past two years. I look forward to the challenge of adjusting into a new life, but here I write my fears and joys of what the near future may hold.

          I have always hated finishing books. You get so engrossed in the story that closing it at the end is awful! However, opening a new one always succeeds in being sad to finish as well. That's how it feels to be closing this book in Africa and opening a new one in the states. The future is uncertain and trusting God is vital. Please be praying for our last two months and all that needs to be done. Please be praying for next year as well. We are in the process of handing over the ballet department to new hands and I know the Lord will make them competent ministers, but please be praying for them. God has provided me with a summer job (yay!), but I am also looking for a more permanent one as well as looking into school options. Please be praying for wisdom in planning what is next. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. If you would like to know more about how to help me financially for the end of the year, what items we need donated, or how to get involved with the ministry I work with, please don't hesitate to ask. We couldn't put on the shows and outreaches without your help. Important days to be praying for are as follows: Live Love performance (village dance outreach), workshop days (mini intensives for students), fundraisers (to put on our big show), and May 29th, the date of our big production at Bingu. Thanks again for all of your encouragement! I have a feeling that God has a great ending for this chapter!

"A new path lies before us; we're not sure where it leads;

 but God goes on before us, providing all our needs."

- Linda Maurice

"I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, 

and I am leading you on the right path."

- Proverbs 4:11 NCV

"Your life is a journey you must travel

with a deep consciousnesses of God." 

- 1 Peter 1:18 MSG

Zikomo

          As I look back on my life the past several years, I am brought to my knees in amazement of the Lord's grace. When He gives you a glimpse of why things happened and how He worked them together for this moment and the future, I cannot help but ask myself why I ever worry or doubt. God took me from a low point of darkness and gave me a purpose. He redeemed my selfish ways and transformed it to use for His glory. His faithfulness never ends. God used things like my family, being homeschooled, pursuing dance, low points, needing a purpose, Ballet Magnificat, ABC Christian Academy, close friends, and much, much more to bring me to Africa for the past few years. He continues to use me despite missteps and failings. I couldn't have done this without all of your support, encouragement, and prayers. I wish I could put into words how grateful I am for all that you have made possible. In the link below, my friend Carrie and I attempt the impossible of summing up our lives and sharing a glimpse into a bit of what God has done. I've learned, changed, and grown so much. God has taught me more about myself, my sin, Himself, and His grace than ever before. This video will hopefully shed light on some of that! I get nervous talking in front of cameras which is why I dance instead of speak, but we did our best and with some major editing and help from our friend Michael, we created what I hope you will enjoy. Zikomo Kwambiri! (Thank you very much!)


Click here to watch our video. :)

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news."  - Romans 10:14-15

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost

The Tempest

Tempest: a violent, windy storm, often accompanied by rain, snow, or hail.

"A squall came down on the lake, so that the boat was being swamped, and they were in great danger. The disciples went to him, saying, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. "Where is your faith?" He asked the disciples." - Luke 8:23-25

Storms and tempests come every single day. We were not guaranteed an easy life when we asked Christ to be our Lord and Savior. We were however promised peace. These storms come in so many ways. They can be big or small. They can they can be weather related and cause disasters, but they can also be metaphorical and cause great stress. The thing is, sometimes God calms them and brings circumstantial peace. There are times though when he allows them to rage and the only peace to be found is in Him. His peace surpasses understanding and can bring rest and joy to the weary despite the craziness surrounding. Instead of demanding ease and comfort, what if I found my calm in the shadow of His wings. What if His presence was my refuge? What if His presence was the calm in my storm?

There are disasters all over the world every day. In one of my small groups, we have been praying for many of these including slavery today, sex trafficking, the persecuted church, Ebola in West Africa, unrest in the Middle East, complacency in the U.S., orphans around the globe, the desperate need for clean water and food, and diseases that take so many lives. These only name a few of the tragedies that need our prayer. Good and bad things happen all the time. My desire is for people to find the peace that only comes from Christ even in the midst of suffering. According to 2 Peter, He wants all to find Him. He uses even the strongest storms to bring us closer to Him. Hope is seeing God take unlikely people and events that Satan meant for bad and redeeming them for good. Hope is seeing His presence through the storm.

As you may know, Malawi has been my home for the past two years. I have been blessed by how God is working here even in the storms that have hit. According to World Bank, Malawi is now the poorest country in the world. Although I don't know for sure, I imagine this has to do with the recent government corruption scandal and loss of money as well as the massive storms and flooding that have destroyed much of the southern part of this country. Malawi doesn't export much, and is very dependent on the crops that it produces. We may be heading towards a food crisis with all of the land destroyed. Besides that, there are thousands and thousands of people displaced and without homes. They have nothing. What good can come out of the disaster and of these people who have been devastated? It's hard to imagine anything. Somehow though, God is working and the amount of people and churches who have generously given to help the hurting has blown my mind. The disaster has brought the country together for a single cause of helping others. Another thing that God has worked through in the government despite the political corruption of last year is a campaign that my church called "Let Girls Be Girls." For years, young girls have been abused and forced into marriage at ages as young as 8. They are taken out of school and told that they will never become anything. These young girls soon become mothers and the cycle continues. Last year, my church started a petition to stop child marriage and raise the legal age to 18. We thought it would take long time before hitting the government, but last week the bill was passed! These are just a few examples of major problems that God has worked in this year.

Despite some of the "storms" that Malawi has faced, I'm still amazed at God's hand in it all. I've met so many people here who run orphanages, schools, out reaches, and ministries. It's clear that God has good planned even for such a small place in the world. It's been cool to see how our school ABC Christian Academy has come together to help those in need this year by taking trips to help with relief aid. I've said it a million times, but teaching at a privileged school where so many of this country's future leaders, pastors, teachers, politicians, business owners and the like attend is an honor  that I don't take lightly. God has brought kids and families of many religions to our door and every  day is a chance to live out the gospel. It's also been cool to see how much my church Flood has  grown. When I started teaching kids church, we had 5 little ones. Now, the class is split in half with   up to 19 in my class! We are also sending a group to start a church plant in Blantyre a few hours   south as well as add another service because we don't have enough chairs! It's pretty awesome to see  God bringing so many people into a small room to worship Him together. Another area that you can  see the Lord working in is the music industry in Malawi. Carrie and I have been able to perform with  or take our girls to perform with local artists and music groups who have a passion for spreading the  gospel in relevant ways for young kids. Our students have been able to collaborate with other  ministries to take Jesus all over Lilongwe. Living on a campus that has people running so many  different missions is amazing and I love being able to help out sometimes. I guess my point is that  God is opening up my eyes to see His presence even in the poorest country in the world.                  

The ballet studio really is my biggest mission field and though I fail often, my prayer is that my students will come to know my love for them as well as Christ and the grace of His redemption. This year marks the 21st anniversary of the Rwandan Genocide and we are introducing a full length story ballet based on a true story from the tragedy. Think African version of "The Hiding Place." It's centered on two people Alice and Emmanuel who grew up together but because of their different tribes ended up as enemies. After killing her family and almost killing her, Emmanuel left Alice to die. She survived and joined a refugee camp to help those without families or homes. Consumed with guilt, he turned himself into jail and confessed to the Lord. Upon his release, he went to a refugee camp to help those he had once hurt. Alice happened to be there as well and he begged her for forgiveness. After two weeks of prayer, she did the unthinkable and forgave him as Christ had forgiven her. This unbelievable story can only be credited to Christ and is yet another example of how God can take horrible things that Satan meant for harm and redeem them for good. We are expecting a turn out of 1,500 people in our audience. This is our biggest outreach of the year. Please pray that the Lord will use it for His glory. Our date is May 29th and there is much to be done. This will also be Carrie and I's final production here and we really want the message to be clear. Our God's grace, forgiveness, and redemption know no end.

The past two weeks have been a bit stormy for me. Though in comparison to many, I guess it would be more of a slight breeze. Recognizing things that are difficult is important though and is something I am learning. There has been much to do in preparation for our show and work stress has been heavy. I pour myself into my job and it can become draining at times. Preparing to leave my home of two years to head into an unwritten chapter is scary. There are so many emotions involved. Excitement to see what's next, joy in being near family, fear of the unknown, and sadness in leaving are but a few. Weighing options of schools, jobs, financials, and future plans is hard. According to "Global Rich List" even living on less than minimum wage, puts you in the top 15% of the world. I have a pretty comfortable life even living in Africa. My storms or breezes are slight. However, when I'm having a bad day and the things mentioned above are weighing me down, little things suddenly seem very big. Our house has been having issues and for months we have not had a working washer, dryer, refrigerator, or hot water. Our Internet is finally working and power cuts aren't as bad, but freezing showers can be enough to ruin your day. It's like doing the hokey pokey in the shower. :) Its actually quite funny. I've gotten used to a lot and most bugs don't really bother me as long as they stay out of my bed. However, when the ants look like poured coffee grounds on the floor or you find a foot long nest in your closet, it's not OK. :) Cockroaches of abnormal size do not deserve to live and getting out of bed at night shouldn't feel like a minefield. Sometimes those things happen though. Last week they just seemed to all happen and when I had to ship my only way of communicating with my family back to the states to be fixed, I was feeling like my "breeze" had at least turned into a "gust." My God cares about the little, silly stresses of my day. I don't know why, and I can't comprehend His love, but He always sends exactly what I need. So, despite the small frustrations that have caused me to have a "bad" couple of weeks, I had some wonderful things that He also sent. A couple of letters from friends, a package from my grand parents with coffee creamer, and a sweet friend who loaned me her Ipad to use while my phone is getting fixed. Its the little things that can make your day and He knows and cares. I was also reminded of a valuable lesson when I freaked out about not being able to talk to friends and family. I am so dependent on communication. I cannot go without picking up a phone or I feel like something is missing. I want to be more dependent on communication with Christ than people. I want to run to Him in my "storm" instead of to comforts in this world. Friends and family are huge blessings, but I don't want to run to them before I run to Christ. I want to seek His presence above all else.

"God is good all the time. All the time, God is good." This is a common phrase that we are greeted with at school and church. Whether its a big storm, a tiny breeze, or what ever else, our God cares and He is there. Whether or not He calms it immediately or not, He is our calm in the midst. He wants us to run to Him and sit in His presence.

 *Side note. Our hot water heater got fixed and it was one of the best days ever :)

Oceans by Hillsong

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

fernweh and heimweh - Yes, both.

          London Christmas markets, Parisian coffee shops, Venetian bridges, and snorkeling in the Indian Ocean are just a few of the things that filled my Christmas holiday. I never thought I would be blessed to travel so much until I was older, but it has been an amazing adventure! Spending Christmas with my best friend and her family travelling Europe was a dream come true and I will never forget it! Travelling with a group of friends from Malawi to Zanzibar was full of crazy stories and I am so thankful that I got to go with them. I will try to sum up much of the holiday in this blog as well as share a bit about what this next season holds. As we started back this week, it seemed like the beginning of the end to this chapter in Africa. Its bittersweet, but I cannot wait to see what God has in store for the future.

          So... First thing first. I flew to London to visit my friend Caitlin who was studying abroad there for school. I flew through Kenya, which had a spa! It was pretty epic and I would recommend flying through there and NEVER flying through Ethiopia. That however is another story. I met Caitlin at the King's Cross Starbucks, which if you know me, is second only to my family in the biggest sacrifice I left in America. That might be a slight exaggeration, but not really. It was lovely to see all the Christmas decorations, visit all her favorite spots, and experience a season besides summer! I am so thankful to the Diekhoff's for inviting me to be a part of their family for Christmas. I have seen London a few times now, but seeing Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Harrod's, and everything else at Christmastime was so much more exciting! We also got to visit the street from "Love Actually". :) Catching up with my best friend was way overdue and walking around a beautiful city gave us time to do just that.

          The train to Paris got out in the station where the Bourne movies were filmed which was SO cool. After navigating the French metro system, we spent a couple days at DisneyLand. The rides were a bit different and there were Christmas parades which I loved! The whole idea that French people are rude did not seem accurate to us and people were very helpful. The police sirens sound just like they do in "Pink Panther" and it was fun to see a place that is in so many movies! Paris was magical and I really felt as though I could live there. I think we walked like 50 miles and managed to see Everything! The Arc de Triumphe was stunning and of course the Eiffel Tower was beautiful as well. Touring the Notre Dame gave such a feeling of reverence that I wish I had more often. Caitlin and I had to see the lock bridge and all the shops. I knew I had missed coffee and good food, but I didn't realize how much until I got there! Little things like going into a coffee shop, eating yummy crepes and having hot showers were such a luxury and I soaked them up. I think I could go on and on about all of the sights we saw - the Opera House, the Seine, Moulin Rouge... there are probably more that I am forgetting. Paris had amazing Christmas markets where I tried to find souvenirs for my family. They may not get them until June... :) Have you ever seen the movie "White Christmas?" It was my favorite holiday film as a kid and there's a part where they take an overnight train. I had always wanted to do that, and this trip made that happen! There was a dining car and our room had little beds that we saw the Alps from. If you ever take a train, make sure you remember what car number your room is in, or you may end up walking in on people. :) We had a lot of fun and yes, the Alps are just as beautiful as you may imagine. There were little towns on the lake with the mountains in the background that looked like a postcard.

           Eventually, we got to Venice, Italy! This is the one place I've been to on earth that is EXACTLY how I imagined it would be. We felt like we had walked into a storybook. There were no cars, only boats that went through all the canals. The bridges were beautiful and if a city can look romantic or like a dream, then its Venice. They had the best food and wine I have ever had. Everyone probably says that, but its true! Its a good thing we walked so much, because I think I ate my weight in pizza, pasta, seafood, crepes, bread, and cheese. They actually had like tables piled with cheese everywhere. It was wonderful. The Murano glass factory, Doges Palace, the Bridge of Sighs, the Rialto Bridge, and St. Marks Basilica were all beautiful places to see. The gondola ride is COMPLETELY worth it. I wish I could describe how stunning the city was with words. The cobblestone streets, family businesses, Italian markets, walking with mulled wine, cute window boxes, church bells playing, and water lapping under the bridges, were just a few of the things that made it so perfect.

          We took a day trip to Verona as well which has been a dream of Caitlin and I's since we were like 14. I still can't believe we got to go there together! It seemed like more of a big city compared to Venice, but it was still very quaint. There was a coliseum built in A.D. 30 called the Arena. It's actually the third oldest in Italy and it made history come to life. We could just imagine what it was like to go to shows there and see gladiators and the like. While exploring, we accidentally climbed up a large hill to this castle that gave a breathtaking view of the city. There were still walls that surrounded the town like an old fortress which I had never seen before. If any of you have seen the movie "Letters to Juliet", you will know that there is a wall in Verona for Juliet where you can send her letters. We have been dreaming of going for years! There happened to be a wedding at the wall that day and Caitlin and I each got a rose from her bouquet. It was more perfect than I could have hoped and of course we sent our letters.

          We arrived back in Venice for Christmas Eve and spent the next couple days exploring and enjoying all things Italian. The oldest cafe in the world is near the basilica called "Florian Cafe" and I'm convinced it has the best coffee in the world. The end of the trip came all too soon and we arrived at the Marco Polo airport by boat! I laugh when I think of all the different kinds of airports I have flown in and out of. We enjoyed one last pizza and Bellini (Italian champagne) before flying back to London. For one who doesn't cry much, I definitely teared up leaving Caitlin and her parents. I think it reminded me of how much I miss my family over holidays. I cannot wait to be in the same time zone as them again and next year, spend Christmas together! There are many stories that I have left out, but I hope this gives a glimpse of how incredible Europe was! I hope to return there someday! That thing called wanderlust? I think it has a hold on me.

          After flying back to Malawi, I only had one day to unpack, repack, and prepare for our trip to Zanzibar! It is very close to Seychelles which is the number 1 beach in the world (where all the celebrities go.) This is an island off the coast of Tanzania which borders us. You would think it wouldn't take too long to get there, but Africa is huge. After a 32 hour squished bus ride, some problems at the border, a few taxis, and a ferry, we finally arrived! Let me tell you, bussing across Africa is quite the adventure. Music and good company make it bearable. :) The trip was so worth it though! The house we rented was on the east side of the island looking out over the Indian Ocean. We ended up travelling all over to see the different towns and coasts. I've always wanted to spend New Year's on the beach and we did just that! Snorkeling in the clear blue water was unreal. You could actually see all the way to the ocean floor and I felt like a fish in "Nemo." The coral reefs, colorful fish, sea creatures, shells, starfish, and water snakes were fascinating! Ok, maybe not the water snakes. The salt water was way saltier than any ocean I've been to before and you could almost float in it. One of my favorite parts was sleeping on the beach every night and waking up to the sunrise.

          Stonetown is one of the oldest trading ports in the world and we spent a couple days exploring there. It has both European and Middle-Eastern influences which makes it architecturally beautiful. The doorways and side streets reminded me of Italy in many ways. The oldest church in East Africa is located there and we also got to boat out to Prison Island where they used to keep slaves for trading. It was sad, but also made history come to life just like the Arena in Verona. The views there of the ocean were breath taking. The water had so many shades of blue and looked like "Chronicles of Narnia" when the chipmunk or squirrel (I forget) is going to the equivalent of Heaven. SO BEAUTIFUL. We met some sea turtles that were close to 200 years old which makes you realize how young America is! Back in Stonetown, we enjoyed drinking out of coconuts, eating shawarmas, and tasting sugar cane juice. On one of the days, two of the guys and I decided it would be fun to rent motorcycles and try to find a cliff diving place. We got our motor licenses for about 6 USD and ended up taking out vespas which none of us had ever ridden. For future reference, Africa at rush hour may not be the best place to learn how to ride scooters. Scott laughed as Matt and I both had wipe outs on our way out of town (I laughed too). With some minor battle wounds, we made it to the beach which didn't have cliffs, but was still fun. Driving back was interesting since my headlights were broken and it was dark, but we made it! Adventures make for great stories and memories.

          I have gotten used to travelling by myself over the past several years. From ballet intensives, and moving away from home, to travelling back and forth to Africa, I have always been pretty independent in that way. So, I didn't know what to expect travelling with a group over break. I decided that its way more fun and I'm so thankful for the friends I got to experience Zanzibar with. Two of my roommates went and it was awesome to hang out with them outside of our normal world in Lilongwe. I am going to miss these people when I move back to the states. Although 30+ hour bus rides are great for bonding, we decided to fly back most of the way. It was much smoother. Despite some interesting hotel rooms, bathrooms, and questionable meals, we made it to the border. It went much better getting into Malawi then it did on the way out. We found someone taking a van back to Lilongwe and caught a ride with them instead of sitting on the bus for another 10 hours. After a flat tire, and a real meal, we finally made it home! After travelling the world for 4 weeks, it was so nice to be back! Although I love seeing new places, I am a bit burnt out on flying all the time. The first week of school was pretty low key and catching up with friends and all my kiddos has been wonderful.

          It feels like "the beginning of the end" if I am being dramatic. The start to my final semester in Africa for now. Its a weird feeling and seems bittersweet. Finding the balance of being fully here for another several months and also preparing for the next chapter in life is hard! I still want to get to know people better and put all my effort into ministry here, but I also have a ton on my mind for this summer and next year. I feel split between two places. For now though, please keep Malawi in your prayers as we face major flooding with over 200,000 people displaced. They need tremendous amounts of help. Please also be praying for this semester leading up to our end of year production. Carrie and I are so excited about how big of an outreach it could be if God uses it. We want it to be a tool for Him to reach people's hearts. Malawi needs a lot of physical help right now (food, clothes, blankets, etc.) If you want to help, please let me know and I can get you in touch with ABC to donate for those things. Malawi also needs Jesus and if you are interested in coming here to serve, ABC needs teachers and people willing to live here next year to share the gospel. (WE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR TWO DANCERS TO TAKE OVER THIS MINISTRY NEXT YEAR.) If you have a heart for kids, missions, Africa, and Jesus, this may be the perfect place for you. :) It will change you forever. I would LOVE to tell you more about it if you're interested. I am so looking forward to what the Lord has in store for the rest of this year. If I've learned anything, its that God is full of surprises. 2015, here we go. :)

"Destiny waits in the hand of God, shaping the still unshapen..."

- T.S. Eliot

       

a Scattering of Thoughts

          "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" keeps playing on my epic Christmas playlist and it has me thinking a lot of home and the holidays. Although I have been listening to it since October, drinking hot cocoa in front of my fan (in defiance of the heat), wearing candy cane earrings :), and making Christmas plans, its just not the same without the people you call family. As America celebrated Thanksgiving this week, the crew here at ABC pulled off a feast of our own. It was fun to celebrate with pumpkin pie, stuffing, turkey, apple cider, and friends from all over the world taking time to give thanks together. I've been thinking a lot about why Christ came and how He spent Christmas (whatever day it actually was) leaving His family to come here for us. He sacrificed so much by becoming like us and I think that is what I am most grateful for today. He completely understands every joy, hardship, humor, sadness, and celebration that we have. The question is can I be grateful for the insignificant sacrifices we are called to give? Can I be consistent in my gratitude whether it has been a wonderful week or a difficult one? Can I remember His sacrifice through the good and bad? Its easy to ask God for things and for some reason its harder to give thanks. How would I be different if I continually praised Him for ALL things?

          The past few weeks have been filled with the crazy build up to our end of year production entitled "What Child is This." Although there are many things that keep us busy, the performances really take most of our time, thought, and prayer. We put so much into these events because they are such wonderful opportunities to share what Christ sacrificed for us to the always diverse audience. I've said this a million times, but the arts really do open doors (and hearts) for the gospel more than anything I have ever experienced. Although I didn't know that I would end up in Malawi, I am so thankful for the years of ballet and training that made it possible to be here in this time using what I love to glorify the Lord. I love those moments when God lets you see WHY certain things happen and how it gives us a glimpse of His sovereignty and love.

          As we head into our last two weeks (where did the time go???) before our final show, we are also taking our top level of girls to several performances throughout Lilongwe. Last week, they got to perform in a village called Chinsapo with our friends Krysti and Marco from a ministry called the Chisomo Idea. It was such a blessing to be able to take ballet into a place that has never seen it before. The cool thing is that dance is such a universal language that anyone and everyone can relate through it. Two of our girls who speak Chichewa shared the gospel with all of the kids and I was grateful to see them step out in their faith. We also got to take them to perform in a youth arts competition of Malawi. Not knowing what to expect, we found out that there are four rounds and people from all over the country competing. Afterwards we went out for ice cream which I enjoyed because we were able to spend time with them outside of class. Yesterday, they performed in the International Day performance here at school where many families of our students attended. Whether dancing in the dirt, a tiny space, a gym, or a theatre, these girls have gotten to dance and worship everywhere. The past two years have brought an overwhelming, but amazing amount of outreach opportunities. I wouldn't want it any other way.

         As some of you may know, it was a hard decision on whether or not to come back to Malawi this year. I absolutely love my job, ministry, friends etc. but I also miss my family. However, I am so thankful that the Lord kept me here as I have gotten so much closer with my kids. There is such a high turn over with people coming and going and it has been special to have so many of my friends stay another year this time around. Its been a long time since our last break at school and there are days when I am so ready for Christmas break! Although there are moments of frustration, my students are overall a joy to teach. As much as I teach them about ballet and hopefully Christ, they teach me much about joy and how that looks day to day. Whether I am making them redo math homework, making them turn in cursive assignments, yelling at them to pointe their toes, or correcting their dances, they (usually) have good attitudes about it. Obviously there are bad moments, but I really think that they are (in general) so much more respectful than kids in the States. Like I said, in general, it seems that respect is not as much as an option and more of an understood courtesy. I hope that my kids someday are like some of my students and I think being a teacher is good preparation for parenting? Maybe?

          I have a hard time saying no to things at work, chances to do outreach, hanging out with friends, and anything else that sounds like a good idea. Last year, Carrie and I were so busy that I honestly don't know how we managed it. There were many great things that came out of it, but we needed better time management and being here another year, we realized what is worth doing and what isn't. Taking time for yourself is so important and saying no is ok sometimes. Maybe its that, or just feeling at home here, everything being familiar, or a mixture, but this year is so much better than last year! Carrie and I have such a good friendship and the Lord has really blessed us with being able to work together well and push this ballet program to new things. I've gotten to spend time with my friends, enjoy growth groups, getting involved with other people's ministries, going to do village outreach, or just hanging out in general. We got to go to Blantyre which is a southern city of Malawi this past weekend with some friends and see a national Malawi VS Mali football game. I love the city and they have wonderful food! Its always fun to do something different. Later in the week, a few of us got tattoos which I had to promise my mother was safe. I think I have to work at convincing my family that I haven't gone crazy, but after having dreads and a few tattoos, I'm not sure if they believe me. To me, the ones that I have are a constant reminder of what the Lord has done for me and how faithful He has been in my life. This may sound like a silly spiritual example, but its true. I easily forget how great our God is (like the Israelites) and need a reminder (like an Ebeneezer). Anyways I'm done for a while so don't worry. :) As great as the year has been and as excited as I am for our upcoming Christmas show, please pray for the next two weeks! They will be insanely busy. Thanks:)

         Part of living in transitions is always planning the next step as well as what's happening right in front of you. As much as I have learned to let the Lord plan and follow His call, there is practical planning that has to be done. Some of it is scary (like the fact that I want to head back to nursing school next year in Indiana- and get a puppy) and some of it is exciting (like the fact that I get to spend Christmas not by myself but with my best friend in Europe!!!!!!!!) If you know me at all, you know that I am obsessed with anything and everything Christmas. I start celebrating in October and would probably be friends with Buddy the Elf... So, being able to spend it with people I love is very exciting. I am so looking forward to seeing Caitlin and catching up on all that life is doing to us as well as spend Christmas with her family in Venice, Italy. It has been a dream of ours since we became friends years ago to see Italy, France, and England together. Now its actually happening and our 9th grade dreams are coming true. I didn't think I would be able to do this trip until I was older and had a real job, but it is happening and I could go on and on about how excited I am. When I get back to Africa, the plan is to head to Tanzania (which is right next to Malawi) with a few of my friends here for New Years. We have a month long break so it will be great to fill it with adventure as it is my last year on this side of the world (for a while at least). Its hard to believe that we are heading towards 2015 and how quickly the past few years have gone but also how much has happened. I truly have so much to be thankful for.

         I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas Season! I will try to write again before I leave, but just in case, I am trying to get a Christmas letter out so if you would like one, please send me your address! I mean who doesn't like getting international mail? :) I also just made an awesomely epic video to send back to some people in the states about what we do here in Malawi (it was actually really hard as I am not good at talking to cameras). If you would like a copy, please let me know as soon as possible! Thank you all for your support, prayers, thoughts, and encouragement. Getting an email/letter/call from home is like getting a care package. :) It is always a blessing to hear from you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend eating leftover turkey, going black friday shopping, and decorating for Christmas. I believe that's all for now...

          Emilie